A long time ago my life revolved around alcohol. I didn’t go anywhere alcohol wasn’t being served. I pre-gamed and post-gamed with a drink or five. I always had a few “roadies” to make sure I was sufficiently drunk before I showed up at an event. It seemed that I was always at the store buying more supplies. I’d switch up the stores so that no one would notice the frequency that I was buying alcohol…not like they’d care anyway. I never left the house without gum and eye drops. People could smell the alcohol coming out of my pores. I’d wake up still drunk, knowing that the hangover was on its way. I’d either eat everything in sight or not be able to eat a thing….I could drink, though. After that first drink went down I could “rally” again 🙄. That’s no life. It’s certainly not what I was put on this earth to do. Even my worst days sober are waaaay better than my best days in addiction. Happy Thursday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
The little things I used to do to hide my drinking stopped working for me. As the problem got bigger and bigger so did my lies, justifications, and “solutions”. It was exhausting. My physical health was deteriorating quickly too and the hangover remedies that helped ten years ago didn’t help anymore. I felt like I was in a huge pool, sinking underwater, and a plug was pulled. The whirlpool was sucking me in and I could fight to stay afloat but the pull was too strong so I was heading quickly down that drain and nothing could stop it. I lost the battle to keep going. I was so tired of the daily struggle. Life can be challenging enough without my alcohol induced self sabotage. The only solution for this alcoholic was to stop drinking altogether. The feeling of serenity when I finally knew that I was giving it up for good helps me get through even the hardest days. It is such a relief not to fight a losing battle anymore. Happy Wednesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
I’ve been trying to get to the why of my addictions. Why did I self sabotage for so many years? Why didn’t I love myself enough to get and stay sober and instead ingested and smoked copious amounts of poison? Where was the love for myself that I easily showed others? Why wasn’t I comfortable enough in my own skin without having to alter my brain and body with whatever substance was available?
Everyone’s why is unique. Simply put (there’s a lot more that goes into this), I wasn’t happy in my own skin. I had anxiety that a drink would make disappear. Until it made it worse. I thought I wasn’t good enough and cocktails would make me feel better, until they didn’t. That liquid courage helped me get over my fears. Until it debilitated me to the point of agoraphobia. My ego fucked me up y’all. Being consumed by what other people think almost killed me as I consumed more and more alcohol. Today I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and give me a genuine smile. Simple…as long as I remember who I am- and I definitely am, an alcoholic. Happy Tuesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn’t know all that entailed. I thought if I could just quit drinking my life would fall into place. Putting the bottle down was a start. It was so huge. When I had a week sober I wanted to tell everyone I had ever met…”I DID IT FOR A WEEK!” So I did- tell everyone. Most people who knew me couldn’t believe it. After I had a bit of clarity… months into my sobriety, I realized that the “ISMS” in alcoholism is no bullshit. People say “I got sober because I had a drinking problem, now I know I have a thinking problem”. We are wired differently. That’s why when someone says we should just use willpower and quit that it never works. The I, Self, Me (isms) don’t disappear unless we focus on changing the way we think, act, and live. I never understood how people used to call me selfish. I know it always was all about me- what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be there. I tried to control the world around me. It’s insane to look back on all of those years and realize that people still loved me. They’re better people than I used to be. Now I try to starve the ego, feed the soul, and hopefully help another person struggling with addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
By the end of my drinking days, it was such hard work keeping a double life going.
I was exhausted.
I’d wake up wishing I could stay in bed all day, then force myself through my work day and parenting.
Alcohol permeated my whole day.
I’d start in the morning vowing to cut down, or take a break from alcohol. Often, I’d passionately promise myself I was just going to quit for good.
I’d run around, hiding any evidence of my drinking. Obsessing that I’d missed something that someone else would notice first.
I’d feel like I was dragging all day. By the afternoon, I’d be obsessing about the wine I’d soon drink to get some relief from all the obsessing.
I don’t even think about alcohol today, except when talking sobriety. It’s like some past boyfriend I only kind of vaguely remember and have no interest in what he’s up to now.
It’s so much better on this side.
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I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future back when I was afraid to quit drinking. I stayed in the cups far too long thinking that I’d be missing out on life if I got sober. I had no idea that the life I was living was the life of purgatory. It consumed my mind – the thought of how am I going to have any fun if I’m not drinking at certain events? How will I go to parties, concerts, weddings? How will I get through a first date without a v and t? How will I relax at the end of a hard day of work? Years ago a good friend moved to the beach town where I lived. We had all sorts of plans to do things together once she moved there. We never did any of them. I saw her a few months ago and said I can’t believe we never hung out when you lived in Carolina Beach… what happened? She said, “I tried a bunch of times, you were always too hungover”. It hit me hard. I remembered those calls and texts and telling her I couldn’t hang. At least I told HER the truth, that I was too hungover. Most people would’ve gotten some bullshit excuse even though they could see right through me. I don’t miss out on anything by being sober. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want to – as long as I don’t pick up a drink and fuck it all up. Happy Wednesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
It didn’t surprise anyone in my life to hear I was going to rehab. I’d been showing up as an alcoholic since I was 16 years old. What did surprise them was the fact that I got and stayed sober. If I was a gambler I’d have placed my bet on NO FUCKING WAY she’ll get sober. Now when I share drinking war stories (if asked) I see the shock on everyone’s faces. The stories are so insane maybe they think I made them up or am exaggerating a bit. The reckless behavior I engaged in and usually instigated was unparalleled. It truly is a miracle I’m alive. I remember being at a Dead show in DC and climbing to the rooftop at RFK and hanging on a beam. I took part in drug deals at midnight in San Salvador. I drove 90 mph over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge while drinking a beer and ingesting some dry goods. The list goes on and on. I used to be proud of these “accomplishments”. I know now that I was a scared little girl just desperate for the madness to end. Alcohol helped lead the way to my hell but there’s no one to blame but me. That being said, there’s no one responsible for my sobriety but me. Life isn’t perfect all day, every day, but it’s a million times better than the hell of addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
I look at past relationships sometimes and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason but I seemed to let the worst people for me stay. When I was in active addiction I didn’t think I deserved better. I liked to tell myself that I was better than them and it was an ego boost. How sad is that? Now I try to surround myself with people who are kind, loving, compassionate, and sober. If I’m the smartest one in the room… I’m in the wrong fucking place. I’m excited for this new year and the people who are now in my life – not just for a season, but for a reason. We all leave a mark wherever we go. I try to leave a positive one behind. Happy Friday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
I’ve done each of these things and countless more to “celebrate” ringing in a brand new year. Seems pathetic now that I look at it. The horrible feeling of waking up on New Year’s Day resigned to more disappointment in myself and my behavior from the night before. Resigning myself to the fact that I rang in yet another brand new year getting fucked up and making a fool of myself. Oh those poor women I made friends with in bar bathrooms and sobbed my woes to. My poor boyfriends who had to try to rein me in before I got arrested. The poor everyone who got splattered on by my puke. Poor me poor me pour me another. Shame, guilt, and remorse kept me drinking far longer than anyone should. I had to forgive myself for all of the shit I stirred while drinking and live my life the best way I know how. The most important ingredient in my sobriety recipe is to remind myself every singe day that I can’t have just one and if I do, all bets are off. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year’s Eve! Keep it simple today, sober family.
Merry Christmas 2020! It feels like seven years since last Christmas to me. So much has happened since last Christmas …good, bad, and somewhere in between. If I was still in active addiction I don’t think I’d have made it to Christmas this year. I finally learned how to deal with life on life’s terms without taking a drink or a drug to do so. When I was in the cups, every Christmas (as a mom) started with a hangover (or wine flu 🙄), anxiety, and panic that I didn’t have everything ready or that I left out my bottles for someone to find. I’d have to hide the empties because I didn’t want my parents to see them. I never enjoyed the magic of Christmas because I was fighting just to keep my eyes open and my nausea at bay. When I was in my 20s, sometimes I missed family Christmas altogether. It just seemed easier that way. If you ever want tips on avoidance, I’m your girl, though I wouldn’t recommend it. Whatever I avoided always came back to me in some way. The universe works like that and anything I chose not to deal with came back- seemingly with a big ass kick in the gut. I deal with it sober now, though. No more numbing. I care way too much about this life to drink or use. I can’t wait for my family to get here. I can’t wait to experience the magic. The best gift I can give them all, though, is a clean and sober daughter, mother, sister, and friend. Merry MERRY CHRISTMAS, sober family. Keep it simple today.♥️