Let that shit go

The mistake I clung to was alcohol. It was always my drug of choice. I started with it and ended with it and there were other things sprinkled in between. A friend of mine told he once that his drug of choice was “more”. I get it. There was never enough for me. I’d have my first drink and already start to panic that I wouldn’t have enough for the night… no matter how much I had. My sister says she’d bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party and wonder where the rest of the bottles were – like Ok… I’m pitching in, where the hell is the rest?! I clung to my addiction like it was Brad Pitt circa his Thelma and Louise days. I could never get enough. When it was time to stop I hung on tighter. It was like an abusive relationship / I knew it was horrible for me and didn’t know how to get out. I finally did and I work on my sobriety every single day. I had time to get wasted every day so I definitely have time to work on my recovery. Today I cling to sobriety, gratitude, and love. We aspire to leave each place a tiny bit better than when we got there. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

Killing mysElf

I would do ANYTHING when I was wasted. People would say oh I bet no one would do this (insert something ridiculous, dangerous, or illegal) and I’d happily volunteer. Consequences never crossed my mind. I literally cannot BELIEVE I’m still alive. I’d pride myself on being the badass drunk chick who could drink like a man, sing like gaga, and drive with one eye open. I’d lie and cheat and steal and wake up not remembering or caring, covered in bruises and scabs. I can’t sing for sh*t, by the way. Those poor musicians when I hijacked their stages. At the end of my not so illustrious drinking career I would have moments of clarity. I’d actually google how long it would be until my liver failed. I’d research the amount of alcohol I could drink at my weight before something really medically serious would happen. Why was I purposely ingesting ethanol in copious amounts? I’d get deep in the cups and cry. I didn’t know how to stop and I didn’t know how to keep going. My brain was foggy and my spirit was empty. I couldn’t do it for one more second. I waved the white flag and gave alcohol the win. Happy Friday, sober family. Sobriety gives me more than alcohol ever promised. Keep it simple today.

Not shitfaced

A long time ago my life revolved around alcohol. I didn’t go anywhere alcohol wasn’t being served. I pre-gamed and post-gamed with a drink or five. I always had a few “roadies” to make sure I was sufficiently drunk before I showed up at an event. It seemed that I was always at the store buying more supplies. I’d switch up the stores so that no one would notice the frequency that I was buying alcohol…not like they’d care anyway. I never left the house without gum and eye drops. People could smell the alcohol coming out of my pores. I’d wake up still drunk, knowing that the hangover was on its way. I’d either eat everything in sight or not be able to eat a thing….I could drink, though. After that first drink went down I could “rally” again 🙄. That’s no life. It’s certainly not what I was put on this earth to do. Even my worst days sober are waaaay better than my best days in addiction. Happy Thursday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

Ethanol

We talk about the effects of alcohol in one of our latest podcasts. Ethanol is a solvent: it breaks down and destroys. That’s it’s job. It’s my job not to consciously ingest it anymore. Physically my body was breaking down when I was drinking. I was puffy, the spider veins were kickin’, my teeth looked like shit, and everything about my GI health was bad. My liver functions were insanely messed up and for the first two months of sobriety my liver shot me a sharp pain every few minutes or so. The most incredible thing happened, though. Everything went back to normal after being sober for about six months. I may have ingested huge amounts of poison for decades but the body is an amazing thing. It all went back to normal. It takes a bit of time and patience but it’s more than worth it. I’m not prey to the mommy wine culture anymore. Life is too beautiful to waste. Happy Tuesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

Bitch please

I don’t fantasize about drinking anymore. Which is crazy. But I sure used to.

I’d glance at people enjoying a lunch on a gorgeous spring day, with a fresh basket of bread and wine in glasses that catch the light.

Laughing and clinking glasses and sipping while eating and chatting.

It’s weird that I fantasized about doing what they were doing, because the reality is there’s no way I would have enjoyed sipping one dainty glass of wine over a 90 minute lunch.

That would be miserable. If I had to be there, I’d be done with my wine and wondering why no one was ordering more. I’d try to hurry things along so I could stop obsessing about how dumb it is to drink a few sips of alcohol and not even worry about not feeling the effect.

I heard someone say once that she was wishing she could sit in a lovely little French cafe with a friend and a glass of champagne. And then she said the voice in her head said, “Bitch, you don’t drink like that.”

Exactly. I didn’t, I can’t, and I won’t.

For me, it’s just easier not to drink at all.

Happy Saturday, sober family!

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Sloppy

I hate seeing videos and photos of my alcohol – infused days and nights. I can’t change the past or live in shame but I can remember it so I don’t repeat the same mistakes. I’m not sad that my major partying days weren’t during the time of social media and cell phones because I don’t think I’d have a career now 🤦🏽‍♀️. The worst thing about the evidence is the fact that the light in my eyes was gone. I would get so excited to go out, have a good time, and celebrate. I’d get home looking and feeling like I’d been run down by a bus.
I remember going to a concert years ago. I had the prettiest red dress and cool sandals on. Boho jewelry and braids. It was a gorgeous summer day and I was crazy excited. By the time I got home the straps on my dress were broken, I had stains all over it and me, and my shoes were left behind … somewhere. I couldn’t get the braids out of my hair so in an anxious, hungover panic I cut them out. I’m not trying to do shit like that anymore. I’m not the classiest, most graceful girl in the room but I’m damn sure not a sloppy drunk anymore. Happy Friday, sober family! Keep it simple today!

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Bandaid

The little things I used to do to hide my drinking stopped working for me. As the problem got bigger and bigger so did my lies, justifications, and “solutions”. It was exhausting. My physical health was deteriorating quickly too and the hangover remedies that helped ten years ago didn’t help anymore. I felt like I was in a huge pool, sinking underwater, and a plug was pulled. The whirlpool was sucking me in and I could fight to stay afloat but the pull was too strong so I was heading quickly down that drain and nothing could stop it. I lost the battle to keep going. I was so tired of the daily struggle. Life can be challenging enough without my alcohol induced self sabotage. The only solution for this alcoholic was to stop drinking altogether. The feeling of serenity when I finally knew that I was giving it up for good helps me get through even the hardest days. It is such a relief not to fight a losing battle anymore. Happy Wednesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

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Who the fuck

I’ve been trying to get to the why of my addictions. Why did I self sabotage for so many years? Why didn’t I love myself enough to get and stay sober and instead ingested and smoked copious amounts of poison? Where was the love for myself that I easily showed others? Why wasn’t I comfortable enough in my own skin without having to alter my brain and body with whatever substance was available?
Everyone’s why is unique. Simply put (there’s a lot more that goes into this), I wasn’t happy in my own skin. I had anxiety that a drink would make disappear. Until it made it worse. I thought I wasn’t good enough and cocktails would make me feel better, until they didn’t. That liquid courage helped me get over my fears. Until it debilitated me to the point of agoraphobia. My ego fucked me up y’all. Being consumed by what other people think almost killed me as I consumed more and more alcohol. Today I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and give me a genuine smile. Simple…as long as I remember who I am- and I definitely am, an alcoholic. Happy Tuesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

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No obseSsion

It’s so crazy how much I thought I’d miss alcohol in my life. I could not imagine my life without it. I tried! And I pictured every future fantasy with a wine glass in my hand.

Then I couldn’t imagine going on drinking like I was. It was exhausting to live that double life.

I was well and truly fearful to have a go at life without alcohol, but I just had to try.

I just kept telling myself not to worry about the future, just to get through the next few minutes or hours without a drink.

And the longer I went alcohol free, the better I felt.

Now instead of feeling deprived, I’m grateful to be missing out… on fear, shame, remorse, poor self esteem, lying, and deep emptiness.

Keep it simple today.

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IsMs

I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn’t know all that entailed. I thought if I could just quit drinking my life would fall into place. Putting the bottle down was a start. It was so huge. When I had a week sober I wanted to tell everyone I had ever met…”I DID IT FOR A WEEK!” So I did- tell everyone. Most people who knew me couldn’t believe it. After I had a bit of clarity… months into my sobriety, I realized that the “ISMS” in alcoholism is no bullshit. People say “I got sober because I had a drinking problem, now I know I have a thinking problem”. We are wired differently. That’s why when someone says we should just use willpower and quit that it never works. The I, Self, Me (isms) don’t disappear unless we focus on changing the way we think, act, and live. I never understood how people used to call me selfish. I know it always was all about me- what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be there. I tried to control the world around me. It’s insane to look back on all of those years and realize that people still loved me. They’re better people than I used to be. Now I try to starve the ego, feed the soul, and hopefully help another person struggling with addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

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