Not to mention the fact that somehow when I got a buzz on I guess I thought I was #oprahwinfrey because it was “you get a shot! And you get a shot! Sure, you too!” like she used to say on her #favoritethings shows. Though I guess she said you get a car or something. Why did I do that? Well, I can’t answer why I did 85% of things I did after I got drunk. As for the other 15%, I just don’t remember. One thing that helped me to remember was if I woke up with an injury I could probably piece together how it happened. It’s nice to be relatively normal. Only took a few decades and scars that last a lifetime. They fade, though, and people forgive. I don’t forget and don’t want to. Why? Because I never want to be that lost soul again. Happy Wednesday, Sisters! Keep it simple today. . . .
When all else fails, think of the beauty/vanity aspect of alcohol on your skin, hair, and nails. If it’s showing up on the outside, what’s happening inside? No more poison for me. Happy Tuesday, Sisters! Keep it simple today. . . .
The mistake I clung to was alcohol. It was always my drug of choice. I started with it and ended with it and there were other things sprinkled in between. A friend of mine told he once that his drug of choice was “more”. I get it. There was never enough for me. I’d have my first drink and already start to panic that I wouldn’t have enough for the night… no matter how much I had. My sister says she’d bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party and wonder where the rest of the bottles were – like Ok… I’m pitching in, where the hell is the rest?! I clung to my addiction like it was Brad Pitt circa his Thelma and Louise days. I could never get enough. When it was time to stop I hung on tighter. It was like an abusive relationship / I knew it was horrible for me and didn’t know how to get out. I finally did and I work on my sobriety every single day. I had time to get wasted every day so I definitely have time to work on my recovery. Today I cling to sobriety, gratitude, and love. We aspire to leave each place a tiny bit better than when we got there. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
I would do ANYTHING when I was wasted. People would say oh I bet no one would do this (insert something ridiculous, dangerous, or illegal) and I’d happily volunteer. Consequences never crossed my mind. I literally cannot BELIEVE I’m still alive. I’d pride myself on being the badass drunk chick who could drink like a man, sing like gaga, and drive with one eye open. I’d lie and cheat and steal and wake up not remembering or caring, covered in bruises and scabs. I can’t sing for sh*t, by the way. Those poor musicians when I hijacked their stages. At the end of my not so illustrious drinking career I would have moments of clarity. I’d actually google how long it would be until my liver failed. I’d research the amount of alcohol I could drink at my weight before something really medically serious would happen. Why was I purposely ingesting ethanol in copious amounts? I’d get deep in the cups and cry. I didn’t know how to stop and I didn’t know how to keep going. My brain was foggy and my spirit was empty. I couldn’t do it for one more second. I waved the white flag and gave alcohol the win. Happy Friday, sober family. Sobriety gives me more than alcohol ever promised. Keep it simple today.
I don’t fantasize about drinking anymore. Which is crazy. But I sure used to.
I’d glance at people enjoying a lunch on a gorgeous spring day, with a fresh basket of bread and wine in glasses that catch the light.
Laughing and clinking glasses and sipping while eating and chatting.
It’s weird that I fantasized about doing what they were doing, because the reality is there’s no way I would have enjoyed sipping one dainty glass of wine over a 90 minute lunch.
That would be miserable. If I had to be there, I’d be done with my wine and wondering why no one was ordering more. I’d try to hurry things along so I could stop obsessing about how dumb it is to drink a few sips of alcohol and not even worry about not feeling the effect.
I heard someone say once that she was wishing she could sit in a lovely little French cafe with a friend and a glass of champagne. And then she said the voice in her head said, “Bitch, you don’t drink like that.”
I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn’t know all that entailed. I thought if I could just quit drinking my life would fall into place. Putting the bottle down was a start. It was so huge. When I had a week sober I wanted to tell everyone I had ever met…”I DID IT FOR A WEEK!” So I did- tell everyone. Most people who knew me couldn’t believe it. After I had a bit of clarity… months into my sobriety, I realized that the “ISMS” in alcoholism is no bullshit. People say “I got sober because I had a drinking problem, now I know I have a thinking problem”. We are wired differently. That’s why when someone says we should just use willpower and quit that it never works. The I, Self, Me (isms) don’t disappear unless we focus on changing the way we think, act, and live. I never understood how people used to call me selfish. I know it always was all about me- what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be there. I tried to control the world around me. It’s insane to look back on all of those years and realize that people still loved me. They’re better people than I used to be. Now I try to starve the ego, feed the soul, and hopefully help another person struggling with addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
It didn’t surprise anyone in my life to hear I was going to rehab. I’d been showing up as an alcoholic since I was 16 years old. What did surprise them was the fact that I got and stayed sober. If I was a gambler I’d have placed my bet on NO FUCKING WAY she’ll get sober. Now when I share drinking war stories (if asked) I see the shock on everyone’s faces. The stories are so insane maybe they think I made them up or am exaggerating a bit. The reckless behavior I engaged in and usually instigated was unparalleled. It truly is a miracle I’m alive. I remember being at a Dead show in DC and climbing to the rooftop at RFK and hanging on a beam. I took part in drug deals at midnight in San Salvador. I drove 90 mph over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge while drinking a beer and ingesting some dry goods. The list goes on and on. I used to be proud of these “accomplishments”. I know now that I was a scared little girl just desperate for the madness to end. Alcohol helped lead the way to my hell but there’s no one to blame but me. That being said, there’s no one responsible for my sobriety but me. Life isn’t perfect all day, every day, but it’s a million times better than the hell of addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
I never wanted to make waves…until I was drunk. I couldn’t stand confrontation and avoided uncomfortable situations at all costs. My anxiety and addiction helped me to become the best avoidant ever. If it was fight or flight, I’d take flight, thank you very much. On the flip, I’d look for confrontation when I was drunk. I’d say, “you want a piece of me?!” in bars. Now that I’m sober I have had to set some boundaries. If I don’t have them in place I risk a relapse- it may not necessarily be that I pick up a drink or a drug, but I could revert into old patterns of behavior that kept me in the cups for so long. I can’t tell y’all how many people I never set boundaries with and then would “have to” make up excuses to blow them off. I knew that some of them were bad for me and would expect me to “bring it” as the crazy ass chick who drank like a fish and was up for anything. I’ve been setting boundaries now for a few 24 hours and it’s such a relief. It’s a moment of an uncomfortable conversation that replaces months or even years of making excuses as to why I don’t want to hang anymore. Today I prefer to have that face to face conversation. Rip off the bandaid and let’s have a chat. I like to look people in the eye and let them know where I’m coming from. I’d the relationship is over, so be it. If it’s a family member, well.. I guess I’ll see them over the holidays. Nothing is more important than my sobriety. If that bothers someone l, it’s on them. Keep it simple today, sober family.