Faking it

I kept up appearances quite well, even when I started drinking heavily. There were a couple slips of course (getting cuffed and hauled to county jail was not in line with my reputation, but you can be sure only my loved ones knew about that). When I felt embarrassed about getting sloppy drunk around certain people, I made sure I didn’t drink around those people anymore. It started getting easier just not to go out so much.

Most people were shocked when I ‘came out’ with my drinking problem. I’d practiced my whole life making sure other people saw me as a capable, intelligent leader. A problem solver. The emergency contact.

I didn’t bother to check in with myself after awhile. After I had kids, I told myself, “That’s what moms do. They put the kids first.” Never mind that I didn’t make time to eat, they have play dates at the park in 10. No problem! Off we go!

I was not emotionally secure. I drank more to try to calm my anxiety and get some sleep. I couldn’t fit yoga into the hectic schedule anymore (glug glug gulp). I skipped book club and walks with friends to say yes to more committees and meetings (chug, slam, repeat).

I’m so grateful that I finally (FINALLY) figured out that I don’t have to spend all my time and energy trying to please and impress other people. Oh, I’ve done the affirmations. I’ve read all about codependency. I could spot it in other people a mile away, and it gets me all fired up. I always want to shake someone accepting and enabling bad behavior. As a very wise sober sister casually said at a meeting last week: “If you spot it, you’ve got it.”

*Sigh*

Ladies and gentlemen. Here’s the truth. Putting everyone else’s needs above my own made me sick. I felt unhappy, fearful, and physically sick. Worry about my reputation almost turned to panic as I tried to juggle more and more while drinking more and more.

The ship was going down and I was polishing the brass.

if you’re unhappy with your relationship with alcohol, I have a suggestion. Don’t drink today. Go to bed sober, and see how you feel. If you got through it, doling it again. And reach out for support. You’re not alone.

Sexy mama

When my sister and I were little we thought drinking was what made you grown up. We saw our parents drink and have a great time. We watched them and their friends at parties and they seemed so sophisticated to us. They danced, talked, and drank like classy adults. The way we drank was anything but classy. Drunk me sent an email to my former boss telling her that my place of employment had been copacetic before she got there. I think you can guess why she’s my former boss. Drunk me ran over my own cell phone. Drunk me passed out in the street. I made an as$ of myself just about every time I drank. And let’s not talk about weddings. I don’t know how many credit cards I’ve had to cancel because they were lost. I’d either start fights or become best friends with people at bars. The aftermath was horrendous. Anxiety, nausea, and shame. I don’t have to feel that way ever again because I choose to live sober and clean. I’d rather be sober and sexy than drunk and sloppy any day of the week. Happy Sunday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

Let that shit go

The mistake I clung to was alcohol. It was always my drug of choice. I started with it and ended with it and there were other things sprinkled in between. A friend of mine told he once that his drug of choice was “more”. I get it. There was never enough for me. I’d have my first drink and already start to panic that I wouldn’t have enough for the night… no matter how much I had. My sister says she’d bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party and wonder where the rest of the bottles were – like Ok… I’m pitching in, where the hell is the rest?! I clung to my addiction like it was Brad Pitt circa his Thelma and Louise days. I could never get enough. When it was time to stop I hung on tighter. It was like an abusive relationship / I knew it was horrible for me and didn’t know how to get out. I finally did and I work on my sobriety every single day. I had time to get wasted every day so I definitely have time to work on my recovery. Today I cling to sobriety, gratitude, and love. We aspire to leave each place a tiny bit better than when we got there. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

Who the fuck

I’ve been trying to get to the why of my addictions. Why did I self sabotage for so many years? Why didn’t I love myself enough to get and stay sober and instead ingested and smoked copious amounts of poison? Where was the love for myself that I easily showed others? Why wasn’t I comfortable enough in my own skin without having to alter my brain and body with whatever substance was available?
Everyone’s why is unique. Simply put (there’s a lot more that goes into this), I wasn’t happy in my own skin. I had anxiety that a drink would make disappear. Until it made it worse. I thought I wasn’t good enough and cocktails would make me feel better, until they didn’t. That liquid courage helped me get over my fears. Until it debilitated me to the point of agoraphobia. My ego fucked me up y’all. Being consumed by what other people think almost killed me as I consumed more and more alcohol. Today I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and give me a genuine smile. Simple…as long as I remember who I am- and I definitely am, an alcoholic. Happy Tuesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

gludedonttrudge

sobrietymemes

alcoholfree

IsMs

I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn’t know all that entailed. I thought if I could just quit drinking my life would fall into place. Putting the bottle down was a start. It was so huge. When I had a week sober I wanted to tell everyone I had ever met…”I DID IT FOR A WEEK!” So I did- tell everyone. Most people who knew me couldn’t believe it. After I had a bit of clarity… months into my sobriety, I realized that the “ISMS” in alcoholism is no bullshit. People say “I got sober because I had a drinking problem, now I know I have a thinking problem”. We are wired differently. That’s why when someone says we should just use willpower and quit that it never works. The I, Self, Me (isms) don’t disappear unless we focus on changing the way we think, act, and live. I never understood how people used to call me selfish. I know it always was all about me- what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be there. I tried to control the world around me. It’s insane to look back on all of those years and realize that people still loved me. They’re better people than I used to be. Now I try to starve the ego, feed the soul, and hopefully help another person struggling with addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

glidedonttrudge

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alcoholfree

Obsession

By the end of my drinking days, it was such hard work keeping a double life going.

I was exhausted.

I’d wake up wishing I could stay in bed all day, then force myself through my work day and parenting.

Alcohol permeated my whole day.

I’d start in the morning vowing to cut down, or take a break from alcohol. Often, I’d passionately promise myself I was just going to quit for good.

I’d run around, hiding any evidence of my drinking. Obsessing that I’d missed something that someone else would notice first.

I’d feel like I was dragging all day. By the afternoon, I’d be obsessing about the wine I’d soon drink to get some relief from all the obsessing.

I don’t even think about alcohol today, except when talking sobriety. It’s like some past boyfriend I only kind of vaguely remember and have no interest in what he’s up to now.

It’s so much better on this side.

sobersisters #sober #glidedonttrudge #soberlife #sobrietyquotes #alcoholfreelife #alcoholfree #nobooze #recovery #odaat #addictionrecovery #addictionawareness

Heaven

It didn’t surprise anyone in my life to hear I was going to rehab. I’d been showing up as an alcoholic since I was 16 years old. What did surprise them was the fact that I got and stayed sober. If I was a gambler I’d have placed my bet on NO FUCKING WAY she’ll get sober. Now when I share drinking war stories (if asked) I see the shock on everyone’s faces. The stories are so insane maybe they think I made them up or am exaggerating a bit. The reckless behavior I engaged in and usually instigated was unparalleled. It truly is a miracle I’m alive. I remember being at a Dead show in DC and climbing to the rooftop at RFK and hanging on a beam. I took part in drug deals at midnight in San Salvador. I drove 90 mph over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge while drinking a beer and ingesting some dry goods. The list goes on and on. I used to be proud of these “accomplishments”. I know now that I was a scared little girl just desperate for the madness to end. Alcohol helped lead the way to my hell but there’s no one to blame but me. That being said, there’s no one responsible for my sobriety but me. Life isn’t perfect all day, every day, but it’s a million times better than the hell of addiction. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

noboozebabes

dryjanuary2021

sober

Crazy?

I’m not alone in that I tried, and failed, to get sober in the past. When I was in my 20s people said I was insane. They also said that a drinker like me could never do it. I proved them right. In my 30s people were happy about it because they’d seen my disease up close and hoped I would stop. Well, that didn’t happen either. When I was finally able to stop in my 40s, no one thought I was crazy. They were shocked that I could. Finally.
We get a ton of messages from followers about how they’re losing their friends, their boyfriends, or even family members when they quit drinking. We tell them that it’s tough for people to see the change you’re going through and that if they want the best for you they’ll understand and support you. Oftentimes I see that the people who don’t want to look at their own addictions are threatened by those of us who have quit. They don’t like the mirror. We don’t tell anyone to stop drinking or using if they’re not ready. It’s none of our business. We do try, however, to show others what life looks like on this side and the view is pretty fucking stellar. Keep it simple today, sober family.
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glidedonttrudge #sobrietyquotes #sober

Drinking Doesn’t Make Me SophistIcated

When I was growing up, I saw so many images romanticizing and glamorizing alcohol.

I just knew when I grew up, I’d be able to drink. And I’d be sooo worldly and charming and cosmopolitan.

I grew up. I embraced and celebrated happy hour and wine with dinner and girls night out.

The sad thing is I always had a good life with wonderful friends and family, but so many of our experiences were fuzzy or even ruined by alcohol.

When I have a drink in my hand, I am exactly the opposite of what I want to be. I want to be engaged, interested, and happy. What happens when I start drinking is… well… I never know.

I might be sappy, morose, giddy, weepy, promiscuous, or any kind of a mess.

I didn’t drink today. And tomorrow, I’m going to do all the things I do that keep me on the sober path. It’s a beautiful life. I want to be present for it.

Boundaries, baby

I never wanted to make waves…until I was drunk. I couldn’t stand confrontation and avoided uncomfortable situations at all costs. My anxiety and addiction helped me to become the best avoidant ever. If it was fight or flight, I’d take flight, thank you very much. On the flip, I’d look for confrontation when I was drunk. I’d say, “you want a piece of me?!” in bars. Now that I’m sober I have had to set some boundaries. If I don’t have them in place I risk a relapse- it may not necessarily be that I pick up a drink or a drug, but I could revert into old patterns of behavior that kept me in the cups for so long. I can’t tell y’all how many people I never set boundaries with and then would “have to” make up excuses to blow them off. I knew that some of them were bad for me and would expect me to “bring it” as the crazy ass chick who drank like a fish and was up for anything. I’ve been setting boundaries now for a few 24 hours and it’s such a relief. It’s a moment of an uncomfortable conversation that replaces months or even years of making excuses as to why I don’t want to hang anymore. Today I prefer to have that face to face conversation. Rip off the bandaid and let’s have a chat. I like to look people in the eye and let them know where I’m coming from. I’d the relationship is over, so be it. If it’s a family member, well.. I guess I’ll see them over the holidays. Nothing is more important than my sobriety. If that bothers someone l, it’s on them. Keep it simple today, sober family.