Faking it

I kept up appearances quite well, even when I started drinking heavily. There were a couple slips of course (getting cuffed and hauled to county jail was not in line with my reputation, but you can be sure only my loved ones knew about that). When I felt embarrassed about getting sloppy drunk around certainContinue reading “Faking it”

Sexy mama

When my sister and I were little we thought drinking was what made you grown up. We saw our parents drink and have a great time. We watched them and their friends at parties and they seemed so sophisticated to us. They danced, talked, and drank like classy adults. The way we drank was anythingContinue reading “Sexy mama”

Let that shit go

The mistake I clung to was alcohol. It was always my drug of choice. I started with it and ended with it and there were other things sprinkled in between. A friend of mine told he once that his drug of choice was “more”. I get it. There was never enough for me. I’d haveContinue reading “Let that shit go”

Who the fuck

I’ve been trying to get to the why of my addictions. Why did I self sabotage for so many years? Why didn’t I love myself enough to get and stay sober and instead ingested and smoked copious amounts of poison? Where was the love for myself that I easily showed others? Why wasn’t I comfortableContinue reading “Who the fuck”

IsMs

I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn’t know all that entailed. I thought if I could just quit drinking my life would fall into place. Putting the bottle down was a start. It was so huge. When I had a week sober I wanted to tell everyone I had ever met…”I DID ITContinue reading “IsMs”

Obsession

By the end of my drinking days, it was such hard work keeping a double life going. I was exhausted. I’d wake up wishing I could stay in bed all day, then force myself through my work day and parenting. Alcohol permeated my whole day. I’d start in the morning vowing to cut down, orContinue reading “Obsession”

Heaven

It didn’t surprise anyone in my life to hear I was going to rehab. I’d been showing up as an alcoholic since I was 16 years old. What did surprise them was the fact that I got and stayed sober. If I was a gambler I’d have placed my bet on NO FUCKING WAY she’llContinue reading “Heaven”

Crazy?

I’m not alone in that I tried, and failed, to get sober in the past. When I was in my 20s people said I was insane. They also said that a drinker like me could never do it. I proved them right. In my 30s people were happy about it because they’d seen my diseaseContinue reading “Crazy?”

Drinking Doesn’t Make Me SophistIcated

When I was growing up, I saw so many images romanticizing and glamorizing alcohol. I just knew when I grew up, I’d be able to drink. And I’d be sooo worldly and charming and cosmopolitan. I grew up. I embraced and celebrated happy hour and wine with dinner and girls night out. The sad thingContinue reading “Drinking Doesn’t Make Me SophistIcated”

Boundaries, baby

I never wanted to make waves…until I was drunk. I couldn’t stand confrontation and avoided uncomfortable situations at all costs. My anxiety and addiction helped me to become the best avoidant ever. If it was fight or flight, I’d take flight, thank you very much. On the flip, I’d look for confrontation when I wasContinue reading “Boundaries, baby”