I’m No Elephant

I’m No Elephant


Have you ever wanted to erase a day? Or something that happened on that day? I know I have. One of my serious issues when I was drinking was that I blacked out. Every time I drank … at the end. It didn’t even seem to matter what or how much (though let’s be honest, I’m not a one or two drinks type of lady) but more like my brain was over it and shut off as soon as I started. Like here we go again, let’s save her at least the humiliation of actually REMEMBERING the debauchery she engaged in (I mean started). Now I get annoyed when I can’t remember what I did. I’m sober! How can I forget things like I’m not?!? That is what happens when you start drinking at 13 and quit at 45. It’s not the alcohol anymore – it’s the age 🥺😩😡😒🙄.

It’s a miracle to make it out alive. So bring on the new year. I’ll remember everything I can and live life to the fullest. When I forget something at least it’s not because I’m drunk. And who knows?! Maybe I’ll remember an elderly aunt who left me a mint. I’ll even share it with my sister (although if I forgot, so did she). Happy New Year’s Eve Eve, sober family! Keep it simple tonight.


Something to Prove

Something to Prove


Being stubborn usually doesn’t serve me too well but when it comes to proving that I can and will do something, it does. I crushed truth or dare back in the day. My sister and I compare my determination to a Jack Russell terrier. Try telling one of them to give up. You’ll get a bit of push back. When staying sober seemed impossible I’d think of the people who support me…but mostly about the people who didn’t believe it. I’ll show them😂! I talked with an old friend for the holidays and he told me how impressed he was that I haven’t had a drink in a few years. He said, “I can’t believe the girl who would get as drunk as she possibly could (in high school) and then drive all over town, can actually be sober”. It actually IS unbelievable. But you better believe that if I can do it, you can too. And I can wake up on a Sunday morning and not bury under the covers to hide from whatever I’d done or said last night. Happy Sunday, sober family! Keep it simple today. 

You Are Not What Happened to You

You Are Not What Happened to You

My anxiety today went from code orange to code red, then zoomed right ahead to flashing sirens. Something happened that triggered unresolved trauma. It’s been horrible, the resurgence of panic and dread, as well as the sort of resigned feeling that I’ll probably never really feel safe again, that there’s always something lurking and waiting to get me.

I’m not trying to stuff it all down, which is huge progress. I didn’t drink my weight in wine whilst furiously drunk dialing everyone in a hysterical spiral.

I did my best to take care of myself instead. Because I finally learned that I’m not broken or unworthy. I have a story, and some of it is dark. That darkness doesn’t have to define me. The fear is my monster. The more I face the monster, the less power it has.

The monster is not me. Facing it down head on reminds me it is separate from me.

The day started great—productive and peaceful. It’s a classic gorgeous San Diego day and I got to Dog Beach with a f*cking amazing new friend, and attended a powerful and humbling support group meeting (you’re all invited, send a DM if you want to join us). And then the trigger. But not the usual crazy reaction—a healthy response! I called friends, I messaged my therapist. I blew off my other jobs on the list and took a lavender salts bath in candlelight, listening to guided meditation and doing loud, embarrassing-to-teens deep breathing. And I just told you what happened too, which took even more of the monster’s power away and separated what happened to me from who I am.

It’s hard sometimes, but true healing usually is. ❤️‍🩹

Thanks for being here, sober family. I’m more grateful than I can say.

Why I Drank, and What Happened

Why I Drank, and What Happened

The links between why I drank and what happened as my drinking progressed matches this chart exactly.

I drank to cope: with anxiety (made it worse); a bad relationship (made it worse); work stress (worse); parenting stress (you get it).

The more I drank to cope, the worse care I took with myself. I only managed the bare minimum-clean clothes, basic hygiene, some kind of calories. Risks? Plenty. The worst of them was drinking and driving. I went to jail and everything. Work problems? See ‘jail’, above. I risked my professional license. I also was just phoning it in at work, and my job wouldn’t last long with me doing the bare minimum.

The other motive that fits my story is to “enhance” positive feelings. Basically, I read this as “to try to falsely create some.”

This is the one with binge drinking and blackouts and a primary outcome. This fits. If I’m trying to feel good (in other words, completely different to how I really feel), a slight warm relaxing feeling won’t suffice. But getting wasted, that’s more like it. Let’s dance. Ughhhhhh.

It helps me to work through some of my “whys” to fix what’s really wrong. It helps me to remember what happens when I think the fix for what’s really wrong is at the bottom of a bottle.

Happy Friday sober family! Keep it simple today.

**This is a very simplified snapshot of an NIH (National Institutes of Health) study from 2012, called “Motivational Pathways to Uniques Types of Alcohol Consequences.”

People Pleasing and Binge Drinking

People Pleasing and Binge Drinking

I. Introduction.

I’m Nicole. I’m a professional, middle-aged, single mom living in San Diego. I’ve got incredible people who love me and I love them right back. I have a fulfilling, rewarding, challenging profession where I come home every day honestly feeling I’ve helped some people. I have friends who are so hilarious and solid that even on my worst days, I’m laughing. My teenagers talk to me. We’re all really close. I’m best friends with my little sister, my ride or die, the only one who knows everything about me. My fur babies are fun, I’m outside working out by the beach all the time…

So basically, living a dream life.

And it’s the life I came this close to losing. All of it. My drinking was getting more important to me than any of my loved ones, work, or responsibilities. I was neglecting it all. I’d spent my whole life believing that the most important thing, the critical thing, was to be a good girl and don’t rock the boat and make people happy.

I spent my whole life anxiously trying to make everyone else happy. Why would what I want matter? If you’re happy, I’m happy.

So I wasn’t really paying attention to how miserable I was, how I made everyone else matter but me. Sometimes I ate my feelings, sometimes I starved them, sometimes I worked them to death, but mostly (especially at the end), I drank them. I kind of thought of all that wine as medicinal. Drown the sorrows, and all.

Somehow I realized if I didn’t save myself, reclaim myself, my kids wouldn’t have me to count on. Somehow I knew I had to take care of myself and prioritize my physical and mental health. I knew alcohol had to be the first thing to go.

If I hadn’t gotten sober, I wouldn’t have had the will to leave a bad relationship and nurture my good relationships. I’d have let my business slide. I wouldn’t have this amazing community I love so much. Join us on zoom, listen to our podcast, connect with sober sisters. 🖤

Life After Quitting

Life After Quitting

When I decided to let go of alcohol for good, I was pretty focused on just not drinking. I set up new routines and committed to them. I told my loved ones and asked them to support me. I went to lots of meetings, read books and articles, counted and celebrated days sober.

When I felt solid, I started chipping away at my underlying issues bit by bit. I prioritized my self care, met shame and fear head on, and nurtured the best parts of myself.

I feel transformed, and also exactly like myself. I’d lost my connection with my most authentic self forever ago. I didn’t think I was worthy of a great life. I was wrong.

The longer I live in alignment with my deep knowing of what feels good and right, the more calm and happy I feel.

That includes accepting the parts of me I tried to shift around to make other people happy. It was too exhausting, trying to play different roles in the same life.

Cutting ties with an addictive substance and staying stopped for some time gave me the mental clarity and physical/emotional well being to grow.

It’s so much better on this side. ❤️

Sexy mama

Sexy mama

When my sister and I were little we thought drinking was what made you grown up. We saw our parents drink and have a great time. We watched them and their friends at parties and they seemed so sophisticated to us. They danced, talked, and drank like classy adults. The way we drank was anything but classy. Drunk me sent an email to my former boss telling her that my place of employment had been copacetic before she got there. I think you can guess why she’s my former boss. Drunk me ran over my own cell phone. Drunk me passed out in the street. I made an as$ of myself just about every time I drank. And let’s not talk about weddings. I don’t know how many credit cards I’ve had to cancel because they were lost. I’d either start fights or become best friends with people at bars. The aftermath was horrendous. Anxiety, nausea, and shame. I don’t have to feel that way ever again because I choose to live sober and clean. I’d rather be sober and sexy than drunk and sloppy any day of the week. Happy Sunday, sober family. Keep it simple today.

Let that shit go

Let that shit go

The mistake I clung to was alcohol. It was always my drug of choice. I started with it and ended with it and there were other things sprinkled in between. A friend of mine told he once that his drug of choice was “more”. I get it. There was never enough for me. I’d have my first drink and already start to panic that I wouldn’t have enough for the night… no matter how much I had. My sister says she’d bring a bottle of wine to a dinner party and wonder where the rest of the bottles were – like Ok… I’m pitching in, where the hell is the rest?! I clung to my addiction like it was Brad Pitt circa his Thelma and Louise days. I could never get enough. When it was time to stop I hung on tighter. It was like an abusive relationship / I knew it was horrible for me and didn’t know how to get out. I finally did and I work on my sobriety every single day. I had time to get wasted every day so I definitely have time to work on my recovery. Today I cling to sobriety, gratitude, and love. We aspire to leave each place a tiny bit better than when we got there. Happy Saturday, sober family. Keep it simple today.