No one on this earth is harder on me than I am. Nobody could have been more disappointed in me than me when I drank far too much, made a complete fool of myself, and woke up with the shame and anxiety that comes along with a hangover. If I could have bottled that shame and regret and drink it instead of alcohol, I’d have been sober at 17. I had to forgive myself for all of the mistakes I made and the people I hurt when I was swimming in the alcoholic swamp that was my life for years. If I didn’t, I’d still be drunk. It was such a sad way to live. Wake up hungover, feel like shit all day, promise to never drink again, and drink that same night. Then I’d inevitably do something I’d regret and “have” to drink some more the next day. Once I talked some people into stealing some liquor from behind a closed bar at a work party. The poor people I made be my accomplices didn’t even get a sip. I manipulated them into helping me get what I want and proceeded to drink all of it. The bar owner contacted our boss to let him know in no uncertain terms what had happened and that we weren’t welcome there ever again. My coworkers were PISSSSSED at me. I laughed it off in front of them while wanting to disappear. Shortly thereafter I made a (yet another) geographic relocation. Fine, I thought. I’ll be a new me and nobody will know what a loser I am. Welp. That didn’t work. I always showed up wherever I went. Sobriety was hard at first but I can promise you one thing. My worst days sober are still way better than my best days drunk. And it gets better and better. Happy Friday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
One response to “For shame”
It’s incredible how manipulative we become when drinking. Excellent post sisters.