Every single time. The last night I drank alcohol wasn’t a huge bash where I stripped down and danced on top of a bar. It wasn’t a knock down, dragged out brawl that landed me in rehab. It was a sad, lonely, depressing existence of my life in purgatory. I was alone, at home, chugging wine. It was a beautiful spring day and evening but I didn’t care. My blinds were closed, the locks were tight, and I sat on my couch and drank. And drank. My anxiety and depression were off the charts. I had already lost friends and family due to my drinking. I was about to lose my job. The only thing that would numb the pain was more drinking (I thought). I couldn’t fathom getting through a day without it. Now I know that alcohol feeds my anxiety. Alcohol is a depressant. Alcohol also gave me the liquid courage to hit send on emails and texts I would’ve never sent in a moment of clarity. And that calm feeling I was seeking in the bottom of a bottle? That lasted for 7 minutes. A four beer buzz. A half a bottle of wine. I could find that sweet spot and then surpass it to become belligerent, black out drunk. 7 minutes of peace in 24 hours is shit. I’ll take mostly peace, every day, all day long. 21 days to break a habit they say. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever get triggered again. And that’s when I just need to recall that sad broken woman on her couch. Works every time. Happy Tuesday, sober family. Keep it simple today.
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