I’ve had to face a lot of hard truths about myself when deciding to stop drinking. I’m controlling. I’m a perfectionist and a pathological people pleaser. I didn’t feel worthy just as a human, so I spent most of my life trying really hard to perform for other people. If I did enough things and achieved the next goal and the next, I figured people would see some value in me.
I thought I could just handle my drinking problem in secret. I did not want anyone to ever see me hanging around some recovery meeting, or ask me why I didn’t drink anymore.
Here’s what I learned about myself. I inherently have good character, but I was more worried about my reputation. When my drinking started interfering with my friendships, family, and usual activities, I spent all my time and energy making sure I still looked good on the outside. I didn’t love myself, but I wanted everyone else to love me.
It’s bizarre that there’s so much judgment around abstinence.
But one thing hit me right in the heart during the sober sisters zoom meeting today. I heard many women say “I’m proud of myself.” I’m proud of myself today too. I’m doing something that’s right for me and my family. I found tools to work on my long list of issues. And the longer I don’t drink, the better and stronger I feel. I know who I am. I’m not perfect. I’m an anxious wreck half the time (ask my sister 😂).
My reputation is not so important anymore. I’m doing my best, and being myself, and that’s enough.