Every 👏 single 👏 time.
I just realized all those times I vowed to just have one (or two, or three), I already knew I wouldn’t. I constructed a sham of a plan and just pretended I could do it. I damn well knew I couldn’t, deep down, but honestly I just wanted to keep drinking. It’s like I was designed to be a drinker and didn’t think I could live any other way.
I try to be a pretty open minded, accepting person. But I was pretty judgmental about people who didn’t drink. I’d consider the categories in my head, and couldn’t relate to any of them. Those with religions where drinking isn’t allowed. Or “bad” (obvious) alcoholics who go to church basements to say prayers and hold hands. Then there are the super health nuts, with perfect diet, no sugar, caffeine, fried anything, or alcohol. I get a cleanse, but forever seems so extreme.
Now I know for a fact there are women with stories almost exactly mirroring my own, and also doing well in sobriety. Gray area drinkers. “High functioning alcoholic.” People who just feel way better without alcohol in their lives.
Abstinence isn’t normalized yet, and it should be.
It seemed like too big an ask to make of myself, to quit alcohol forever. I believed those mystical sober people lived in totally separate worlds having nothing to do with me.
The one day at a time thing helps with that. Maybe I’ll drink tomorrow, but not today. That’s achievable.
I’m never having just one. So I’ll stick with none.