Faking it

I kept up appearances quite well, even when I started drinking heavily. There were a couple slips of course (getting cuffed and hauled to county jail was not in line with my reputation, but you can be sure only my loved ones knew about that). When I felt embarrassed about getting sloppy drunk around certain people, I made sure I didn’t drink around those people anymore. It started getting easier just not to go out so much.

Most people were shocked when I ‘came out’ with my drinking problem. I’d practiced my whole life making sure other people saw me as a capable, intelligent leader. A problem solver. The emergency contact.

I didn’t bother to check in with myself after awhile. After I had kids, I told myself, “That’s what moms do. They put the kids first.” Never mind that I didn’t make time to eat, they have play dates at the park in 10. No problem! Off we go!

I was not emotionally secure. I drank more to try to calm my anxiety and get some sleep. I couldn’t fit yoga into the hectic schedule anymore (glug glug gulp). I skipped book club and walks with friends to say yes to more committees and meetings (chug, slam, repeat).

I’m so grateful that I finally (FINALLY) figured out that I don’t have to spend all my time and energy trying to please and impress other people. Oh, I’ve done the affirmations. I’ve read all about codependency. I could spot it in other people a mile away, and it gets me all fired up. I always want to shake someone accepting and enabling bad behavior. As a very wise sober sister casually said at a meeting last week: “If you spot it, you’ve got it.”

*Sigh*

Ladies and gentlemen. Here’s the truth. Putting everyone else’s needs above my own made me sick. I felt unhappy, fearful, and physically sick. Worry about my reputation almost turned to panic as I tried to juggle more and more while drinking more and more.

The ship was going down and I was polishing the brass.

if you’re unhappy with your relationship with alcohol, I have a suggestion. Don’t drink today. Go to bed sober, and see how you feel. If you got through it, doling it again. And reach out for support. You’re not alone.

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