It’s embarrassing to admit it but one of the core reasons I couldn’t see giving up alcohol altogether was I thought of myself a certain way and that way wasn’t straight edge. It was jaggedy edge. I kind of like surprising myself, rolling the dice to see what might happen next. A daring adventuress!
A sweetheart sometimes, a catty bitch others. I couldn’t really see myself starring in the drama (or comedy) of my life if I never drank.
I didn’t really let myself say it in words, but I actually believed I didn’t have it in me to be my most entertaining without a buzz on.
First of all, at the end of my drinking, I really just drank at home. I didn’t want to have to plan out activities when all my brain really wanted was another hit of my drug. Also, how sad is that actually? I’m not enough, just me? I need a drug to make myself feel good? Maybe I should have really dived into that instead of drinking like a fish.
A brain seeking a reward is a physiological and explainable phenomenon. I just kept that reward center fired up until it finally hit me. I wasn’t having fun. I didn’t feel at the top of my game. I let myself go in every way.
I figured it out and committed to quitting. Then I started feeling better and better. And! Lo and behold! The better I felt, the more I remembered who I really am and what I really like.
The silver lining is I’m not as cool as I used to be. I’m so much radder, because it’s alllll me.