Like a lot of women I know, I have a fair bit of trauma history. Some of it is so painful only my old therapist knows about it. I’ve been high functioning on the outside, but often I pulled away from reality, disconnecting from deep feelings and painful thoughts. In the past, drinking numbed the bad feelings. It kept me fuzzy when I was in a marriage I couldn’t see a way out of, with a partner who scared me. It was my medicine. It was a comfort. And I have forgiven myself for my eventual dependency. It’s what I could access at the time.
When I got scared that I couldn’t keep drinking like I wanted to while keeping the life I wanted, I got sober. That meant I HAD to do more for me and less for other people. I had to end toxic relationships with people as well as alcohol. I had to be OK with not being OK. I even had to be honest and raw and stop hiding all my bad feelings.
Bottling up my bad feelings led me to bottle after bottle of booze, and made me sicker, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Today, I allow myself grace, to accept hard events and rocky feelings. I tell people when I’m not doing so great. Never showing vulnerability doesn’t make me a hero, like I used to think. Always being “fine” just isn’t true. When I’m struggling, I tell people about it. My sister always says a problem shared is a problem halved. Love to all our sober and sober curious sisters out there, and to those in pain.