My sister and I are pretty smart in some ways, but we sure were slow learners when it came to our drinking.
Here’s a snippet of how it was when I was drinking:
I’d wake up with a feeling of dread.
Then I’d scan my memory for everything that happened the night before. I’d check for blank spots, and strain to remember exactly what was I’d said when I slammed out the door?
Sometimes I’d realize nothing bad had happened, I hadn’t been busted by my kids, or left a bottle somewhere random, or gotten any new unexplained bruise (that I could see).
I’d be exhausted and often hungover. But then with that shaky adrenaline feeling from waking up with anxious dread.
I’d realize I hit snooze too many times and have to rush to get to everywhere on time. Forget breakfast, no time to pack lunch. I don’t feel like eating anyway. As I raced out the door, I’d tell myself that’s it. No more wine. I quit forever, I swear.
Then I’d work and do the mom thing and be oh-so-overworked and of course I was going to pour a glass of wine TODAY. I mean come ON. I couldn’t be expected to just trudge along until bedtime with no reward, on top of the no thanks I already got? Please.
And the years rolled on just like this until I was drinking wine like water and getting scared I really couldn’t stop.
I got honest with myself and loved ones. And received encouragement and support. I asked for help. Help was freely given. I made a decision to do whatever I could to get myself through a day without a drink.
My life was so much harder when I was drinking. I couldn’t get a handle on it.
Today, I don’t have to drink to forget. And as long as I’m sober, I’m in control of my decisions. So I’m not doing things I desperately want to forget. I don’t have to try to medicate my shame and unhappiness today.
Have a great weekend, sober family!