I rationalized my drinking for years. “Look how sloppy Mary gets,” I’d think. “I’m not that bad.”
I’d run through checklists. I don’t drink before work, or shake in the mornings. Sure, I don’t sleep well, but that’s obviously unrelated. Name me a mom who sleeps. I’ll wait.
Of course I pop open the wine the minute I’m home from work- did you see how many things I had to juggle? I didn’t even have time to eat! (No, I’m not hungry, just go get the corkscrew.)
Everyone in my family drinks. We’re just good at it. What is that, a crime?
I was having these thoughts every day. And in the deep, knowing part of me, I was well aware having alcohol on my mind that much definitely pointed to an unhealthy attachment. At the very least.My brain was held hostage, turning more and more attention to how and when I’d be drinking, how to cover up my secret and keep playing the roles I constructed, and, of course, how to tell myself it was fine, I’m fine.
My mind has cleared after some sober time. I’m much calmer. I don’t have stories to tell other people (or myself) to justify strange behavior. I can focus on work while at work. I’m able to give my kids undivided attention. I’m proud to say I have some control over my mind nowadays. I’m not going to drink today. I feel better alcohol free.