I’m Too Good For You

Happy FRIDAY Sisters and Friends!
Friday used to be the day I woke up feeling wretched but also the day I didn’t make a solemn promise to myself to cut off alcohol- that soul robbing bastard. That wasn’t a promise worth making because I just KNEW I NEEDED to drink at the end of another long, hard week.
No one knows, I’d think, no one knows how hard I work and how many responsibilities I have and how I have to parent these kids alone and juggle all the activities and run a clinic and manage operations and people and try to look good doing it.
Don’t get me started on the clinical anxiety. Even though I already know how the brain and body works (from my professional training). Even though I KNOW alcohol makes baseline anxiety so much worse. Because I was focused on the temporary numbing. I came to depend on it and couldn’t see past the need to numb.
Here’s what it took for me. It took my daughter looking me in the eye and telling me (with my son present): “You were drunk last night. You were walking into the furniture.” And I’d already been desperately trying to cover up my “forgetting” things we’d already discussed. 
That’s what it took for me. That’s my bottom. The moment I knew deep in my gut that I had a problem I couldn’t hide anymore. 
So I made a decision and never questioned it. And I have NOW stopped feeling shame and regret and sadness. I don’t want to live there, in fear of the monster coming for me.
I’m going to live like today’s my last day on earth. And embrace everything I love. And nurture myself. I will not forget that I’m a nondrinker. I just am. Because that bastard alcohol isn’t going to trick me into giving it another shot. Fuck you, alcohol. I’m too good for you.
❤️ Nicole

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