My sister and I have been talking about our insides matching our outsides. Because, for me at least, I was “high functioning,” when I was drinking. Someone looking in from the outside would probably have thought I had it together. Juggling life, like single working moms do.
On the inside, I was numb. Yet deeply sad and profoundly unsettled. Which made me crave numbness.
It’s different since breaking up with booze. Sometimes when I’m having a terrible day now, I consciously think to myself, at least I’m sober.
I might have snapped at some irritating child. Or juggled too many things and done not even one of them well. And I might look like I threw the towel in years ago.
But I’m way better off keeping far away from the bottle and close to a life plan— a program, if you will—that works for me.
Because it feels good that what you see is what you get with me nowadays. Like, most of the time! I’m not covering something up, pretending to live a whole different way, just PRETENDING all the time.
And when sh*t gets hard, I’m like, “If there’s a hidden camera somewhere, it might catch me crying or cussing, like feeling things and acting like I feel them. But it will not catch me drinking or wishing I was. I might be a mess, but I’m doing my best.”
That’s pretty much how I stay sane now. Remembering: an earnest effort deserves acknowledgement; it’s good to be seen for the good things I do but even better to want to do them; and trying to grow is worth it.
I want to integrate all the parts of me I was covering up and hiding from and too shy to share, the funny and messy and dumb parts. All of the parts! Getting comfortable with who I am is one of the best parts of being alcohol free. What do you think?